Anyway, trains were delayed again today. Turns out yesterday someone walked in front of a train, and this morning 2 trains ran into each other. So I figured out that I actually spend longer commuting to and from this job, than I do working... But just when I was hating all things public transportation I passed a guy on the subway platform at 42nd street (oh yeah, I'm not so good at navigating the public transit system, so I took the subway from 34th to 42nd which is wrong, so I had to go from 42nd back to 34th then change subways and take another one to 23rd... Anyway, there was a guy, he was bald and he was sweating and clearly nervous and pacing a little and he had a huge beautiful bouquet of flowers and as I passed him I could hear him practicing, "...I love you so much and I would be proud.... happy?... honored?... so lucky...? if you would be my...." then I was out of earshot. It really warmed my heart. What a lucky girl, or guy he was going to meet.
Maybe I'm suffering from extreme ennui.
I got to thinking about love for the rest of my commute. Is everything I do just some sort of search for love? I mean everything, searching for the right job, the right shoes, the right tv show to watch, last night i walked through the grocery store staring at it like it was the inside of a giant refrigerator. It took 45 minutes to pick out 1 thing that i wanted to eat for dinner. Like if I pick the right thing, I'll be happy forever.
I don't know, but I stick by my original thought about love. I'm not searching anymore. I'm not going to be something I'm not. I'm not going to change to be found or to continue to be appealing. But then if it's love, I won't want to, or have to. Love will know that I'm wonderful like I am. There will be no bargaining or convincing needed. It will just happen. Love will bring out the best in me, BUT for those times when the worst comes out, it will be okay, love will accept it. It may be scary. It may not always be easy. But there will be no doubt that it's right. So maybe my new thought is less bitter. In my newly revised thought, I'm not against love, I just can't force it. I have to wait until it comes to me and then just accept it. Oh yeah, and it's not what's going to make me happy. I'm going to make me happy (don't be dirty), and the right job, shoes, dinner, boy whatever they will just amplify the happy.
That being said, I'm very excited and nervous about this whole grad school thing. I have to take a test, the GRE. What if I bomb it? I mean, I bombed the SAT's. I don't do well on standardized tests. I'd like to start in the fall of 2009. So far there is 1 school that is speaking to me. I'm just nervous that I will never be able to afford it. Oh well, I'll figure it out, I always do.
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