Six Months Later....

So, Yeah... When I started this blog thing I was going to be so good about it, but then life happens and something has to get put aside. Then someone- a friend named Jeri, mentioned she had a blog and now well, I want to blog!!

Let's see, what HAVE I been doing? Well, there was work. That's always there. Stand by Your Man: The Tammy Wynette Story, Beauty & the Beast and then a little known play called Be My Baby. So, that happened. There isn't much to say about those now. The shows are over. Surely at the time I had lots to say, but now, they are a thing of the past. They happened, and none died. Oh but I did get to leave Jennerstown!!! Not that it wasn't lovely, I'm just not that much into country life. I prefer the more city-fied living!

That summer experience led right into my wedding experience. NOT MY WEDDING! Don't get all crazy. I was a Bridesmaid (never a bride) I had a dress that I looked great in that I will still never wear again. I pair of shoes that gave me blister so bad I had to go to a podiatrist. I spent more money than i could afford and really in the end all I have to show for it are happy friends and a great necklace that I received as a bridesmaid gift that I have worn tons. Again, at the time I probably had more to say, but now, it happened. Like every wedding I take from it things I liked, things I didn't and a better sense of what I would like my one-day wedding to be like.

I had my short foray into Internet dating. I stayed just long enough to discover what I already knew- it wasn't for me. There were a lot of creeps, some guys that were nice enough and 2 worth mentioning. The first was interesting but just stopped calling. The second, I had to stop calling because well, he was making me crazy! There is a guy out there, I'm still looking for him and hopefully he's still looking for me. I like to believe that I will know who he is immediately, but just in case I hope I don't accidentally blow him off!!

Right after the wedding I did something I'd never done before, I cut off all my hair. My hair is shorter than it's ever been. I'm still not in love with it, but everyone else seems to like it. I will be happier when it's a little longer. If I had it to do all over again, I would wait and cut it 6 months from now. But you know, what's done is done!

I am currently back in my old stomping ground, Little Rock, Arkansas. I am forbidden by my friends to frequent that employs a former object of desire, so that means I can't call one of my friends here because I don't really want to explain to her why we aren't going to this bar.

Upon my arrival, I enlisted 10 unsuspecting co-workers to join me at the midnight showing of TWILIGHT. Yeah, that's how I have spent a lot of my time lately. Following the wedding and the hair cut, I had to pack and vote for change. (That was an amazing experience, but I think I'll wait to sum up everything after the inauguration.)

So I started reading the Twilight Saga, by Stephenie Meyer. I have a lot to say about this, so sit back. Back during the summer the 4th book came out and I was unfamiliar with what Twilight even was. So when I knew I'd be driving from NY to Arkansas I thought it would be fun to buy the books on cd to listen to. (I had decided that I wanted to go to the midnight showing, because I had wanted to go see Harry Potter, but when it got postponed and this movie started being promoted, I was intrigued) But I knew that I would prefer to read them eventually, so I ordered the 1st book as well.

What happened after that can only be compared to the first bite of cake that accidentally makes you eat the whole thing. I spent Halloween taking it easy. I had a doctor's appointment in the morning and I started packing. Right before I went to bed, probably around 6am Saturday morning,(don't judge my sleeping habits- that's not the point) I picked up the book to start reading. At 11am I was 200 pages in. At 3pm I had to stop reading and have a life. I needed to go to the post office and get dinner... So I did. I also realized that I was going to need to pick up the next book, and I knew I couldn't wait until I ordered it from Amazon, so I bought it after shopping around. By 7pm I was back in the book and by 10pm I was finished.

Talk about slightly obsessed! If you haven't read Twilight, stop reading this and go get the book. (Seriously- I'm going to say things that may spoiler it for you, so if you don't want to know- stop right now I will continue talking about the books for many paragraphs) Edward Cullen, despite the fact that he is literally 1/2 my age and a fictional vampire, is as close to the perfect man as you can get. Say what you will, it's hard not to fall a little in love with him. And I am a logical person- I know all the reasons why this is never going to be a literary classic in the vein of To Kill a Mocking Bird or Of Mice and Men, but he is exactly what you want him to be.

In any case, The obsession continued, after getting through the first 3 chapters of New Moon, maybe more, once I realized Edward was gone for a while, I finally allowed myself to sleep for the first time in 2 days. HOWEVER, by my friends' birthday party on Monday, I had stopped to pick up book 3 before getting on the train. By the time John McCain gave his concession speech, I had finished the 3rd book. I believe that it was Thursday evening when I finished the last one, and then maybe Friday when I finished reading the partial manuscript for book 5 online. I spent the entire night packing because I needed to start driving on Saturday. I listened to the books cd in my car. I stopped at bookstore and targets along the way to buy the ones I didn't have. I literally went from 0 to obsessed in 7 days.

After convincing people that I barely knew to come to the movie with me, I convinced people to start reading the books so I had someone to talk to about them since most of my fiends scoffed at my young adult vampire books. It's a month later. I have loaned twilight to 3 people, New Moon to 3 people, Eclipse to 2 people and Breaking Dawn to 4 people.

My favorite book has to be Eclipse. I love the fight, I love Edward. I didn't love the movie, but I can't remember a book that I loved that translated into a movie I loved. I could list all the things that didn't work for me, but you everyone knows what was wrong. Everyone knows what scene from the book that didn't make it onto the movie or wasn't the same in the movie. That's life. I didn't love Breaking Dawn. I thought that I read a lot of things that steered me to believe things and in the end I had just spent a lot of time reading about things that would ultimately have no effect on the outcome. More importantly, I didn't want that to be the end. I wanted more. I wanted the 5th one. I would love books that were just about the back stories of all the Cullens. A book about how Alice ended up in the mental hospital, What Edward was doing before contracting the Spanish influenza, Why Esme jumped off the Cliff. Who was Emmet? Rosalie in her last early vampire years. The travels of Jasper during the vampire wars all the way through the arrival at the Cullens. Carlisle's 300 years! And what the heck the Cullens were up to before meeting Bella. There's like 10 more stories to tell!! I'm just saying. Maybe even an all encompassing La Push book. Like who is Embry's father? And what will happen with Jacob and Renesme? (Seriously what do you get when you cross a half human/ half vampire with a shape shifting wolf? Enquiring minds want to know- is it a baby that is self loathing and can't stand it's smell-- it makes the brain hurt if you try to figure it out)

Oh and speaking of Vampires. Anyone watching True Blood? After reading the Twilight books and then watching the True Blood series- there are a lot of similarities. I think my current obsession with vampire is the immortality. When someone you know dies,and then you get a year older, you start thinking about how nice it would be to live forever. (And at the rate I'm going, I might need the extra time to find love)

Wow, I have gone on haven't I? I am tired and I will attempt to keep this up with more consistency. Till next time...

Rained out!

(If I sent you an email about my week in review, read the next post.  This is not it.)

Well before we got to the camp fire, with the guitars and the smores, it started to rain.  I was having a brilliant conversation about creating life on Mars and the pictures that just came back.



So we were talking about that and Quantum Physics. Stuff that made my mind explode. Like we are creating the universe through our consciousness. And how things behave when we are looking at them, are not how they behave when we aren't. I know I'm not selling it very well, but I didn't retain it as well as I hoped because the rain started and everything went to chaos before I could grasp it.

Oh and lastly, what is the name of that thing, it was usually yellow and you put it in the middle of a 45 record to play it on a normal stereo... Anyone?

Music On The Mountain

So I'm going to try to split this into sections, I think, because that way if you don't care or you don't feel like reading about something you can skip it!

THE ARRIVAL

So, I arrived in Jennerstown, Pennsylvania last Friday. I arrived about an hour later than expected because Mapquest sucks sometimes. When I realized I was going to be late I called the person that was supposed to be meeting me. She said she was just going to go home and leave me keys and some information at the front desk of the restaurant. So I had to find my way alone, which I think is what set me up for my 4 day unhappy rant (which some of you were unlucky enough to hear).

The place was rustic at best. I mean people tried to prepare me, they told me it was going to be in the country, but until you are there, trudging through the wet grass and mud into the cold concrete house, you don't really understand it. The lights didn't work in the living room, but my bedroom was fine. It was warm at least. The room was a little bare and the window is big enough to open and walk through like a door, so I backed my car up to the window and threw all my stuff in! This would come back to bite me in the ass.

I pulled out my welcome pack and grabbed my computer and headed to the restaurant, which was the only place I knew that had internet. I sat in my car and mapquested myself some directions to the nearest store. I bought some decorations and dinner. I came back, unpacked and then went back to the restaurant with my fully charged computer and stayed until the battery died. Then I went to my new home and fell asleep watching The Cutting Edge.

The next day I attempted to do some work, but I hit a bunch of obstacles. Mostly that everything was closed because it was Saturday. So I did what I could, sent my assistant home and told her that we were going to work on Monday instead of taking the day off, so we should take off on Sunday. I decided to go get some groceries. When I got home I backed my car to my window again because it had been raining all day and that's where it stayed. I already wrote about this, (see post, Stuck In The Mud) needless to say, things had hit a low point.

The next day, my car finally freed from the mud, I decided to go to my old stomping ground in Carlisle, PA. I met my friend Libby and I gave a quick recap of my life there. It was fun, we ended at the sex shop where I spent money on things I currently have no use for, but they sounded like a good idea at the time. By the time I got home it was late and I managed to just pass out.

Monday was a good day. I got a lot of work done. I met a bunch of the cast as they arrived. I did some texting and made some phone calls. Things were finally starting to look up.

OTHER RANDOM THINGS THAT I HAVE BEEN UP TO...

Personality Tests

Now that I have internet I have been killing time at night looking up random things. For example, I have taken that Meyers-Briggs personality test. I am an INFJ, which is The Protecter. Look it up, I think it's pretty accurate. Apparently, I should be dating an ENTP, The Visionary or ENFP, The Inspirer. So, now you know and I know. What does it mean? Probably nothing. How many people know their personality type?

Astrology

My friend Mellen and my friend Sam are VERY into astrology. So I have been killing time looking up that stuff. I'm a Sagittarius and apparently I should be dating an Aries. Better if it's an Aries that is closest to the cusp of Pisces (which would be between 3/21-3/27) because they would match the fact that I am on the cusp of Scorpio? Maybe? I don't know I got kind of lost reading all it. It was really just a time killer.

York, PA

Apparently, York, PA is the mecca for weddings in 2008. The Production manager here left for the weekend for a wedding in York. I'll be there later this year for a wedding... okay well that's only 2, but what are the chances that you would meet someone who just went to a wedding there? I mean it's not NY or Boston or Atlanta or California, it's York, PA. How many people have even heard of York, PA? I just think it's interesting.

MySpace

Does anyone myspace anymore? I only ask, because in an accident on the level of stupidity that only I could achieve, I deleted almost everything from my page. My music, my layout and I was going to put them back, but then I stopped and thought, does anyone still use this? I mean I have 2 friends that do, I know, but other than that... So should I bother trying to restore my site a little (keep in mind that it will probably never reach the long to load super cluttered heights it had. That's how I accidentally deleted everything. I was trying to delete a bunch of stuff and I accidently went a little crazy) Anyway...


Cosmopolitan and the Male Organ

While I was getting ready to leave and packing, I came across my collection of Cosmos from about 3 years ago, when I had gotten a free subscription for Christmas. I had never read them so I packed them figuring I could get rid of them in Jennerstown after I was finished, which I have. 12 issues + 2 from this year that were an impulse buy at the register. Considering the style pages were outdated, I pretty much just read the the articles. 14 issues on how to please your man. Needless to say, I am expert now. I know all about the man's G-spot, and F-spot, C-Spot, O-spot, 8-spot, W-spot, X-spot and R Spot (oh yeah, according to Cosmo, they all exsist) and where to put my hand/mouth/tongue to make his toes curl! Go Cosmo!

FINAL THOUGHTS

Okay now that I have given you some info... I leave you with this... I think I will try to keep this up to date at least weekly. Although it might not work that way. Especially considering that I will have a crazy weekend next week.

But by all means call me, if I don't answer tell me when is the best time to call and I will. Text me. Email, aim.

Check out my new tongue rings, 2 posts ago.

Questions? Comments?

Okay, I'm off to search for beer...mmm, beer. Wish me luck, and Happy Memorial Day!

Guess who got INTERNET?!

Finally, I have rejoined the human race, so be sure to check back either late Sunday or Monday for my first week, update! Trust me as much as I have had to complain about, the work is good, and the people are awesome! And if you love music, you want hear about it!

See you soon!

Impulse Buy

Okay, so I was online and bored and sitting in my car on Monday night and I was internet window shopping. Then I accidentally bought 9 new tongue rings because they were cheap. Well, that and because I couldn't find all mine before I left the house, I can't really imagine where they have gotten to. The last time I saw them was the day before my surgery, when I switched from the metal one to the plastic one so, that was 3 months ago. And I was really just searching for 1 because it makes me nervous not to have a backup. Even though it's been 9 years since I've accidentally swallowed one of the balls, I still never like to be without insurance, incase it should happen again. Always be prepared and all that. Anyway, they got here today, and since this is the most exciting thing that has happened today, i thought I'd share my fun new purchases! Or at least a few of them. The others are mostly plain, or you can't really see them in a photo. All I can say for sure is they are fun to play with!

Is the world still there?

You know, I never realized how dependent am on the internet. I mean completely. It is where I get my news and it is a huge force of communication. Like for instance, this last week, I have been able to get on line just long enough to check my email and send the typed emails and post these pre-written blogs. Or sometimes while I am at work, the signal from the restaurant creeps in and I get surprise mail download, but I am in no way able to read it. So, for all I know, the whole rest of the world could be gone and we could be the last survivors and I'd have no idea... scary. I get internet on friday, hopefully. Then I can rejoin the land of the informed.

Apparently I am near where flight 93, crashed and the memorial site. I will definitely pay a visit when I have a day off in a couple of weeks. Plus, once I have internet I want to find out what is near by and have a few adventures. Anyone wanna join me?

Stuck in the Mud and a Little Baseball Metaphor

I’m stuck out here in the middle of nowhere. Just to give you an idea, my first 2 days I didn’t see another living sole on the property. On my second day, my car got stuck in the mud and I had to call AAA to pull me out, which was an adventure. No one could figure out where I was and I got transferred 4 times before they got the correct office. I don’t have internet yet, despite the fact that I have been calling for a week, because Comcast can’t find me. I finally got through and the next available appointment is 2 weeks away. It’s freezing here (seriously, today was 42 degrees) and so people are hiding out in their apartments, but I don’t have roommates, so I am pretty effectively cut off from human contact. The only thing I have is my cell phone (when it works) and the people I already know.

This just got me to thinking, what happens to people? I mean you know when you talk to someone everyday and then suddenly a day passes, then it's two, then 5. It's inexplicable what happens? Why did contact stop? It would make sense if there had been a fight, but when nothing happens it's weird. I'm left wondering what happened. Did I unintentionally offend? Did the other person get trapped under a large object? Why was that call not returned? Why was that reply email not sent? Why didn't anyone return that text message? It's all so arbitrary and trivial, but when there's nothing else to do but think, you wonder about these things. Then you have to decide, do you reach out again? Or do you just let things go? And if you let them go, what does that say? Does that send the message that you don't give a shit, or does it ;et the other person know that you are okay giving people the space they need?

The person that held my heart underwater for the last few years accused me of analyzing things too much. He said a lot of horrible things, did a lot of horrible things. He made me feel bad about things, but I couldn't let him go without an ending. I didn't want things to just fade away, I needed them to end. Messy or clean, it didn't matter as long as they were definite. I could have been rid of him, a long time ago if I had just let him fade out. Instead he kept me repressed and made me feel cheap.

I think about things, when my mind wanders I analyze things, situations, people. I think psychology is fascinating. I think thinking is sexy. Brilliant minds that ask questions are sexy. Questioning the shit that people shove at you and want you to accept. It doesn't necessarily matter whether I agree with your opinion or not, just have an opinion. have something to say. It's like baseball. You see, I have an opinion which is I like the Yankees, what can I say, I am a New Yorker! BUT, it just so happens that I have A LOT of friends that are hardcore Sox fans. It's really a sickness, this baseball obsession and my constant draw to Red Sox fans. Now am I a Sox fan? Well, I think that it's an impossibility, I already drank the Yankee kool-aid. (okay, not like that crazy Yankees fan that hit a Sox fan with her car last month. I'm a fan, not insane.) However, I love a Sox fan, because up until a few years ago, they were loyal, to a team that wasn't winning, and win or lose, a Sox fan is a Sox fan. Plus, there is pretty much nothing better in my opinion than watching a Yankees verses Sox game with both fans. The energy is amazing! The tension. The sometimes uncomfortable silences following an inning... I have watched one on one with a Sox fan and I swear a good game is like good sex. The win, is just the cherry on top. Watching with other Yankees fans is like masturbation. Sex and baseball are always linked!

Sorry, I got distracted. So back to the original question, where do people go when they stop being in your life? Why do they leave? Why did they leave an not say anything? Do they miss you? Do they think about you? If you give them space, will they come back? Does it matter? If you get too caught up in thinking about it, it's like you got stuck in the mud.

How you like me now?

So I have been trying, which if you have been reading this you know, to transfer my blog here. I decided that I was no longer keeping my .mac account just to post a blog, which was all I was using it for. So now, I have found this nice new, free home at blogger.com. I have moved everything from this year. I have moved some things from the previous years in order of interest. I'll keep at it. When I'm all moved in, I'll let everyone know. (Of course if you know me, you know how little I like to pack and unpack, so this could take forever...) Oh and don't bother trying to get to the old site, it's gone. My account has been closed, address and website cancelled.

So how you like me now?

Put a face on it

So I would really like to put a picture on my Tony & Sam Blog, but I can't find my pictures of them. I've torn apart my house! And I could use one that is on line of him, but he's not smiling in any of them. And the Tony I remember smiled a lot. the search continues.

Anyway, while I was looking for a picture, I found this page. All the lives lost in April. Start putting some faces on this war:

http://www.zeitlangers.com/monthly_html_pages/fallen_Apr_2008.html

Cupid Kills Me

Okay, So for those of you that know him, I am not talking about Cupid from college. He doesn't kill me. He's okay and happily painting and showing said paintings in art galleries in Brooklyn.

That being said, I have finally done it. I joined an online dating site, okay, I joined them all. Then I after 2 days, I deleted all of the profiles except 2. Why? Well, I deleted any site that wanted me to pay to meet people because somehow in my mind that seems odd. A little like buying a hooker in a roundabout way. I mean think about it, if you meet someone awesome and eventually have sex, then you've paid the pimp called match.com. So those were the first to go. Then there were 2 free ones that I deleted because after being a member for 2 days I received a combined total of 55 messages, all from gentlemen over 50. I checked, there were young guys on the site, they just weren't as persistent as the over 50 set. And you know, I'm not an ageist. But I feel like 20 years older than me is a bit much, especially since I'm eternally 25. These guys have kids that are around my age. I just couldn't deal. And they were very determined. They sent multiple messages, which I find creepy, considering I didn't respond to the first one. Here's a tip, if you should stumble upon me on a dating site, and I don't respond to your first message, or your second, then you send me a third, then you are officially a creepy stalker.

Now, here's my next complaint. Based on my answers to random questions, these sites claim to be able to find me "my perfect match." Does anyone else think this is weird and creepy? I mean, it seems that they are matching me with someone just like me, and what's the fun in that? Plus, how do they know that because I say my favorite color is purple, that me and Tom from Hicksville are soul mates? What? The questions are so black and white and that's not how this girl works. I became who I am based on a social spectrum of colors. My point is that I have to read the whole profile to decide anything. And that's still not much. I am definitely more than the 3000 words or whatever I posted there. Plus, I think that saying you can find my best match available, within the arbitrary parameters I set, it's weird. Its like engineering babies so they are genetically superior.

I'll keep you posted about my exploration of these sites.

MOVING...

So I have made the official decision to move. Find me at:
http://ramblingtongue.blogspot.com/

My decision is purely financial and I will begin transferring this years stuff first and previous years as I get to it. This could take a while... I hate moving....

So if you are reading this at .mac, this is my last post. If you are reading this on blogspot, welcome to my new home.

Hit Me With Your Best Shot

Some days, you are just ready for a fight. There's no reason, I'm not a violent person, but today I felt like I needed to be on guard because there was a fight coming and I was going to need to defend myself. Then I got to thinking, what could I really do in a fight? Seriously. The only fist fights I've ever been in were staged. Well, except for that one time...

Funny story, I was in college, I was taking a media class and for our final, we, as a class, had to produce a show. There was a girl that was put in charge, by vote, named Kara. I got the exact job I wanted, which was the the second or third in command. She was sick the day that we had to chose our jobs, but as the person in charge she technically got final say. Anyway, by natural selection, I'm pretty awesome and technical things. That being said, not everyone has technical skills. At least they don't pick things up as quickly or they don't learn as fast. But, in the end, my general opinion was this was a class, meant for learning. So when Kara came in and started changing people around, it bugged me a little. Then I looked at the disappointed faces of the people that she had switched. A guy that was maybe a little slower but a good guy and was trying to learn how to run and track a camera. And a guy that had been running the camera all semester and wanted to try something new, that he wasn't good at. Her argument was that she was the director, and the quality of the show and the grades of the class rested on her shoulders. I told her to stop being dramatic. It was a class and people are never going to learn if you push them down and just like everyone had faith in her, she needed to have faith in everyone else. She told me to shut up and mind my place. It was at that moment, something inside me snapped.

I started to yell at her. I don't even know what I was yelling, I was yelling at her with blind fury. Looking back, I wasn't even fighting for me, I was fighting for the two guys. Well she turned her back on me while I was talking to her. I yelled at her to look at me and when she turned around she looked so smug and she said something stupid and that was it. I lunged at her and it took 4 huge guys to hold me back. No one was holding her and she started taunting me and I took out one of the guys and finally someone grabbed her, took her outside and said that if she didn't shut up, I was going to kill her.

I don't even remember what happened. I mean how everything turned out. But I know that a few weeks later I went into Tower Records where she worked an apologized, not because I had to, because I wanted to. And she apologized for being an asshole. And the slower kid, who was very quiet caught me after class and thanked me for standing up for him. I would go on to spend much of my college career speaking up for the silent, but that's another story.

So, I don't think I'll be fighting like that, but I was ready, ready for a fight.

Darkness, Rage Against The Machine

If you haven't read the post Sam and Tony, you won't completely understand why I chose to post the lyrics to this song, but if you have, take a read.

Greed
Causing innocent blood to flow
Entire culture lost in the overthrow
They came to see, take whatever they please
Then all they gave back was death and disease

People were left with no choice but to decide
To conform to a system responsible for genocide
Responsible for genocide, Responsible for genocide

AIDS is killing the entire African nation
And a vaccine is still supposedly under preparation
But these governments, they don't mind the procrastination.
They say we'll kill them off, take their land and go there for vacation

My peoples' culture was strong and was pure
And if not for that white greed, it would have endured
My people were left with no choice but to decide
To conform to a system

Their minds enslaved
Their souls encaged
You feel the rage
This brutality can never be undone
But the sun has not yet set
The bass and drums and microphone a threat
That's when you've got to get the cry from the inside
And see that they're responsible for genocide
Responsible for genocide, Responsible for genocide

You jam your culture down my throat
Say I'm inferior when upon it I choke
You fill my mind with a false sense of history
And then you wonder why I have no identity

We'll strike a match and it'll catch
And spread the insight we need
A tiny fire burning bright
Shedding light on the darkness of greed

Yes, yes y'all, and you don't stop
Shedding light on the darkness of greed
Yes, yes y'all, and you don't stop
Shedding light on the darkness of greed

Sam & Tony

So, I there was this girl I was really good friends with when I worked at blockbuster. Her name is Sam. She is a most interesting person, a little crazy but totally interesting. By 16 she had already completed rehab. By the time I met her her only vice was smoking. She was afraid to drive so she walked EVERYWHERE, and she always chain smoked while she walked because she thought it gave her a workout. She only ate frozen yogurt and whoppers with no meat and occasionally french fries. And I really got to know her because I was promoted to assistant store manager and when we closed the store together, I always had to drive her home. I know I'm bad sometimes, but when it comes to being late, she's worse. And sleeping over in her dorm room was my first taste of college life.

While we were working together at blockbuster this kid came in. Our blockbuster was by a military base and his family had just moved in. He was the 17 and the oldest of 12 kids I think. Tony had a heart of gold. He had been home schooled and was going to the community college as a beginning to his college career. He walked everywhere because his family only had the minivan and for obvious reasons his mother needed it at her constant disposal. Our store was all young people. The store manager was 25 and he was the oldest employee except for a few military moms that worked part time.

Anyway, Tony hung around so much that our store manager gave him a job. He was excited. He had moved around all his life and we just made him part of the gang. I mean he was young, but not that much younger than us. It was mostly his socialization that was young, having never attended a school. We loved Tony. I loved Tony. He was like my little brother, although we were only a few months apart and he was taller than me... whenever we worked together I would drive him home as well, and he always had a lot of questions, especially about Sam.

Tony and Sam became fast friends, and after about 2 weeks it was very clear that he had a big crush on her. She was skeptical. I know because I became a sounding board for the story as it unfolded. She was concerned about the age difference, (she was 3 or 4 years older than him) and he seemed so sweet and innocent and she was not. Anyway, after A-LOT of discussion I told her that she should give him a chance. I mean, he had officially stated that he had romantic feelings for her, and the fact that she was afraid of losing him, meant that she had some kind of feelings for him, at least that was how I saw it. And after all they weren't going to get married the next day, it was a chance. One date, and if that worked, another day. And the fact was their time was limited either way. If she rejected him, she was eventually going to lose him. Plus, he was a military brat and would most likely have to move soon.

Well, because at the time, I was the logical one, she listened and they went on a date, then another, then another and then about 2 months later she came back with the next stress out, that he was seeming to want to take the next step and from there there would be no turning back. But in the end, they had sex, she was his first. And they were inseparable.

It was late August when he finally told us all that his father had received his next assignment and that the whole family was moving to Turkey. He had known for a while, but didn't want to tell us. So then this is where things start to spin out of control. He is torn between his family and love. In the end he decided he wanted to stay behind, continue work and school and he was going to live with Sam's mother fro the remainder of the summer. Then in the fall, move into Sam's dorm room.

At this point I should mention that Tony was ridiculously jealous of Joey. (Joey was Sam's ex-boyfriend and a really close friend. They had met in rehab. Tony didn't want Sam to hang out with him at all.) He seemed to be jealous of the closeness they shared, which he would never have- I mean they had gone through rehab together. It was unfounded, Sam had completely fallen in love with Tony. The night before his family was leaving, Sam lied to Tony and went to Joey's birthday because they were friends, and besides Sam and his sister, Joey's didn't have anyone. His best friend had died of a drug overdose a few months before, and he told Sam he'd kill himself if she didn't come-- I know, back then my friends were like watching an episode of 90120 or Dawson's Creek or One Tree Hill (pick your basic teen soap about kids leading advanced lives)-- Anyway, Tony called Sam's house and her sister purposely told Tony where she was. (He sister is a whole other story. She was a 14 year old Femme Fatale in determined to take away anything that made her sister happy) After that he wouldn't return her calls. He was supposed to move in the next day. She couldn't find him. She had Joey driving her all over Long Island looking for him. By midnight she was exhausted and just went home to wait. At 8am he called her. He said he was at the airport with his family and that he couldn't stay to be with her because she didn't love him and he didn't love her either. And he hung up and got on a the plane.

SHE. WAS. DEVASTATED. She gave him her heart and he broke it. She went a little crazy. She wasn't eating she wasn't sleeping and she was chain smoking. I spent a lot of time with her, listening, handing her tissues, smoking till we couldn't breathe, trying to force her to eat. Then she thought she might be pregnant and she would not take a pregnancy test. I told her that she needed to know because she had to quit smoking and start eating. She spent $800+ on phone calls to Turkey trying to track him down. Which she eventually did, but first getting a neighbor then finally him.. I do have to give her credit, I would have no idea how to find someone in this country no less another country, and this was pre-internet.

She didn't want to take the test because if she wasn't pregnant, she didn't have any part of him left. Finally when the thought that she might be pregnant wasn't enough to make him call want to talk to her, she took the test. I remember the day. My parents still worked, so we went to CVS and bought a box of tests and came back to my house and took them. Then when all 3 of them had come back negative we put all of the evidence in a plastic bag and threw it away outside of a taco bell that she finally agreed to eat at.

Nothing much happens after this. She cried a lot and he eventually told her he'd met someone else. Within a year he was married with a kid. She went on to date one of my best friends whom she met independently of me. When they realized they both knew me they surprised me at school (By now I was away at college) That didn't last long. then she started dating this total asshole loser named Erik. He had some serious health problems and minor deformity and he felt like he was justified in behaving however he wanted because he had been dealt a bad hand in life. He did get manage to get her pregnant.

One of the last times I saw her she was about 7 months pregnant and Erik would speak to her and she was saying how if only it had been Tony's maybe everything would be different. We had found out that his wedding was of the shotgun variety, but I would have expected nothing less. If he had gotten Sam pregnant, he would have been on the first plane back and to marry her. But, I also don't doubt his feelings for his wife. He seemed to put his whole heart into everything. Without caution he felt everything so his pain was greater and so was his love.

He would still call Sam every six months or so. Just when she was ready to close the book on him, he would call to say hi, and she would be reminded how wonderful he was. She would encourage him, to stay with his wife when he doubted his decisions. She would assure him that things had turned out like they were supposed to.

Anyway, the last time I saw her, she said she was glad I was there, because if not she would almost have felt like she had made him up. She said that she hoped someday that she would get to sit down with him and find out what the heck happened. His wife was apparently very jealous of Sam. Which in Sam's mind meant that she still had a piece of his heart. Actually I think it's true. They were a big love. They compared themselves to the 2 characters in The Crow- they loved that movie-- Erick and I can't remember the girl. When 2 people have that kind of relationship the fire burns quick and hot and then smolders forever. I was sure and I think Sam believed it too, that someday, after they had lived their lives, they would come back together and finish their story.


Tony and Sam.

Well, Sam found me this morning on myspace. You have got to love these internet friend sites. She is married, she has 3 daughters and another on the way. She lives in PA, 2 hours outside of NY and still comes in for all her oldest daughters appointments. It seems the girl took after her father and has had a lot of very serious health problems and Sam is just more comfortable continuing with the same doctors. She has quit smoking, learned to drive and now eats everything. And she is also able to have a glass of wine or a strawberry daiquiri and not want to do a line of coke after. In other words, she's doing well.

Of course though, Tony still was the great lost love of her life. He now has 5 children ranging in age from 1 to 11. He joined the Air Force and has won a bronze star for his years of service. Tech. Sgt. Anthony L. Capra. On April 9th he was killed six miles west of Balad Air Base. He had diffused a road side bomb and then a second trigger went off. He died of the injuries sustained from the explosion. He was awarded a 2nd bronze star posthumously. Sam sought me out to tell me, of which I'm glad.

Now,I'm not gonna lie. I haven't thought about them in years. Sometimes I would wonder what became of Sam. And then at the beginning of the month, I thought I saw Sam. I was in the Jamba Juice right outside of the 23rd street subway. I looked across the street at the bank and I swear, I saw Sam walking. But I knew, it couldn't be. Because I was looking at Sam from years before, and surely she looked different now. I followed the ghost for 2 blocks and finally had to turn back and go to work. This made me start thinking about Sam and Tony and just wondering where they were and what became of them. But as I said, I have no idea how to find people....

Anyway, I hadn't thought about Tony in a while prior to april 5th (the day I thought I saw Sam walking down the street) I hadn't seem him or been in contact with him since the last day he worked at blockbuster. It was just nice knowing he was out there someone living life, and now he's not and I'm not sure how I feel about that. You know? Like I feel like I don't really have any right to be sad because it had been 11 years. But I feel sad. I feel sad for his 11 siblings. For his mom and dad. For the wife and children he left behind that I never met and now will probably never meet. I feel sad that he had to die at all. I read like 10 articles today about him. I saw his face for the first time in ages.

I mourn not just for him, but for all the people. He was 1 of 4044 americans killed. 1 of 4352 people from the coalition killed as of 4/22. That would be equivalent to 1 person a day for the last 11 years and 9 months. It's too many. I think I've said it before, sometimes the enormity of the world overwhelms me, the plight of humans, their loneliness, fear, strength bravery and love are too much for me to handle and I find myself crying in a mall over the guy making french fries.

But those are just the lives of the people"on our side." What about the woman and children killed? Wait I forgot, the enemy has no feelings and no family, so we shouldn't care about them. What a waste of human life? Really? And eye for an eye? Is that what we are going for?

I mourn because every one of those people has a story. A person or 2 or 10 or 20 that loved them, cared for them and will miss them. Lives left empty. And I have to know, what are we fighting for?

Then through my mourning, I got angry. Angry that 4044 people are dead. Look at that number! And they are faceless. I look around and people have those yellow stickers on their cars. The stickers are faded and peeling. It's now status quo. Not that people don't care but they just sit by and shake their head at the TV. I'm guilty of it. Of the apathy. It's troubling.

Anyway, I attached the 2 articles that summed up Tony the best. Just so that all my thoughts and the articles were all together.

http://www.legacy.com/SunSentinel/Obituaries.asp?Page=LifeStory&PersonId=107726979

http://www.airforcetimes.com/news/2008/04/airforce_capra_iraq_death_042808/

Today's song, listen to it. Darkness by Rage Against the Machine I have chosen this song for 2 reasons. When I knew Tony he loved the Crow Soundtrack. He used to listen to it on his discman and liked to see Brandon Lee's head spinning past the window. I remember he came to hang out with me at the radio station that I worked at in college and he was so excited and we played the crow he dedicated it to Sam. Now I dedicate it to him. The second reason? The lyrics are fitting. I'll find those and post them.

Tonight I will blow the dust off of my Crow soundtrack and say goodbye to Tony the best way I know how.

My poor Yankees

So, I lost. The Yankees lost. Well, I mean they won some, but the Sox beat us best of 5. SO... I have my 2 pieces of Sox flare and I promised someone that I would wear them around AND display them on my blog. And I'm not gonna lie, I though about just putting the two things next to each other and taking a picture... So I wore the tongue ring all day yesterday. And today I sported the t-shirt, in NY. No one can say I'm not brave. Rematch in July!! (Notice how I left my face off the pictures... that was not an accident.)

In A New York Minute/Closing Night

So first of all on the way to the closing night party, there were 2 people that were meeting for their first date. It was a blind date. they were meeting in front of this restaurant and I heard them introduce themselves, the beginning...

Then...I just had drinks with Joey Slonick (I've seen him on Nip Tuck and some other shows, his face is familiar I know he's been in Family Guy) and Mark Linn Baker (cousin Larry from Perfect Strangers). Now what I mean is we were having drinks in close proximity to each other and I was talking to the same people they were. That counts right? Anyway, that was the early in the evening.

The middle of the evening was a little sad. It was when you're sitting with a whole bunch of people and you feel so alone that you think that there isn't good to fill the empty feeling inside. There isn't enough light or love or warmth to fill the cold empty dark loneliness.

But that passed very quickly, and the rest of the night was spent in assorted conversations with people I will probably never see again. It's so weird to think of that but it's true. But the conversations were good. There was one girl who just kept listening to me and this other girl talk and told us to be careful about wasting our time and our "pretty" on the wrong people.

They went on to ask about the relationship deal breakers, love of your life, your first love, sexiest scene in a movie, sexiest actor/actress above & below 50.... and on and on and on. i can't even remember all the questions. It was weird, trying to really get to know people that you won't see again. It was like trying to squeeze an entire relationship into 3 hours.

The end of the evening ended with me hailing a cab at an obnoxious hour of the morning while 2 guys were clearly breaking up outside of Rawhide, the gay bar next door to the bar we were in. I guess that's an evening in Chelsea, A relationship starts, a relationship ends, and a bunch of people pass through each other's lives for a moment.... In a New York Minute (I know bring out the cheese)

I'm sobering up and exhausted...

Take a second and watch the You Tube video of NY Minute. Even if you've heard the song, the intro is good too. (Or maybe I'm just feel sappy and sentimental)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cA_gIhCcYVk

Babbling Stream of Consciousness

So despite my continued exhaustion, I can't seem to fall asleep at a decent hour, i just lie there in the dark with the music on and my mind whirling until I turn on the tv or pick up the computer. Today as I turned on the tv I saw a mini infomercial. you know the ones that come on cable channels and for a second you think that just maybe you have turned the channel because you are in the middle of an infomercial, except that it's just a regular commercial break, with 1 long commercial. Well since turnabout is fair play I figured I'd complain about this mini infomercial, since it was mini- there wasn't a lot happening, but it was for a product called easy curves, which is basically an exercise bar. I don't really understand the technology but it will naturally lift and separate the female breast, oh and make them bigger. It reminded me of a book. Basically since you may not have ever been a 10 year old girl, I'll explain. There's a book called "Are You There God, It's Me Margaret?" The main character, young Margaret wants boobs and does some exercise and chants, "I mist, I must, I must increase my bust," to make them grow... it sounds like the inventor read that book and made this bar. And the commercial is just a lot of close ups of women with already large breasts moving them. I'm not sure if women will buy this, but I bet many a man will purchase it for his wife. Now why didn't they do penis close ups for the other infomercial... just curious.

Today at work I was standing next to a door and I looked at what I thought was the emergency evacuation procedure and in a way it was. It was a Zombie Evacuation. Pretty funny stuff. There's actually a whole website that is amusing. (www.eatliver.com)

Speaking of work, Julianne Nicholson was around. She apparently was an understudy a few weeks back. (In case you are not familiar, she is Chris Noth's new partner on L&O Criminal Intent) Apparently this theatre is a big deal.

I was thinking on the train today, I'd like to be in a band someday. I can't sing and I don't really play an instrument, but I'd like to play the cowbell and the tambourine and the triangle.

You know what else? I think things just sound cooler with a British accent. Everyone in the cast has an accent. (oh if you're a fan of the scream trilogy like I am, one of the actresses was in Scream 3)

On my way to work, I stepped on no less than 6 empty condom wrappers which raises the question, where did the condoms go?

Also, might I suggest the tide pen? It is the handiest purchase I've made recently and I have used it a bunch!

Yankees home opener today! Last one in the stadium. 11 days until the first ny vs. bos game... i'm just saying... Bring on the Sox Fans. Because baseball is good. It's better when we play the Sox. Even Better? Carrying on non-violent ribbing with a Sox Fan. Maybe a side bet or two...

Crash Into Me, Dave Matthews. It just came on. The video was shot in Kingston NY, about 20 minutes from where I went to college and the dancers in the video are part of a dance troupe called in forward motion and being their stage manager was one of the first jobs i ever had...

Ahh... finally... tired. I think typing clears the brain for sleep....

More Thoughts on a Train

Anyway, trains were delayed again today. Turns out yesterday someone walked in front of a train, and this morning 2 trains ran into each other. So I figured out that I actually spend longer commuting to and from this job, than I do working... But just when I was hating all things public transportation I passed a guy on the subway platform at 42nd street (oh yeah, I'm not so good at navigating the public transit system, so I took the subway from 34th to 42nd which is wrong, so I had to go from 42nd back to 34th then change subways and take another one to 23rd... Anyway, there was a guy, he was bald and he was sweating and clearly nervous and pacing a little and he had a huge beautiful bouquet of flowers and as I passed him I could hear him practicing, "...I love you so much and I would be proud.... happy?... honored?... so lucky...? if you would be my...." then I was out of earshot. It really warmed my heart. What a lucky girl, or guy he was going to meet.

Maybe I'm suffering from extreme ennui.

I got to thinking about love for the rest of my commute. Is everything I do just some sort of search for love? I mean everything, searching for the right job, the right shoes, the right tv show to watch, last night i walked through the grocery store staring at it like it was the inside of a giant refrigerator. It took 45 minutes to pick out 1 thing that i wanted to eat for dinner. Like if I pick the right thing, I'll be happy forever.

I don't know, but I stick by my original thought about love. I'm not searching anymore. I'm not going to be something I'm not. I'm not going to change to be found or to continue to be appealing. But then if it's love, I won't want to, or have to. Love will know that I'm wonderful like I am. There will be no bargaining or convincing needed. It will just happen. Love will bring out the best in me, BUT for those times when the worst comes out, it will be okay, love will accept it. It may be scary. It may not always be easy. But there will be no doubt that it's right. So maybe my new thought is less bitter. In my newly revised thought, I'm not against love, I just can't force it. I have to wait until it comes to me and then just accept it. Oh yeah, and it's not what's going to make me happy. I'm going to make me happy (don't be dirty), and the right job, shoes, dinner, boy whatever they will just amplify the happy.

That being said, I'm very excited and nervous about this whole grad school thing. I have to take a test, the GRE. What if I bomb it? I mean, I bombed the SAT's. I don't do well on standardized tests. I'd like to start in the fall of 2009. So far there is 1 school that is speaking to me. I'm just nervous that I will never be able to afford it. Oh well, I'll figure it out, I always do.

Infomercials, Gross

Yeah, it's 3:07am and I can't sleep so I turn on my tv and it's on channel 3 because the last thing I had done was watch the vcr. ANYWAY, before the picture even comes up, I hear, "I tried it and I got bigger" and now I'm sucked in to an infomercial about a "male enhancement pill" And it truly starts as a man-on-the-street interview with the over excited ex-cheerleader type girl with a microphone interviewing men who have "tried" this pill with success. And no matter how they respond she forces each guy to say the phrase, "I got bigger." Some of these guys seemed so uncomfortable answering this question, which is a mystery to me because I know for a fact that before they even bother turning a camera on you you have to be informed of what is being taped and you have to sign a release form. ANYWAY, then they flash this website, ExtenZe.com, a zillion times while they tell you an operator is standing by. Then it changes to this View-type mock talk show with 4 women on a couch who are total size queens with a guy moderator who seems like he is so uncomfortable asking these women these questions and even more uncomfortable that they are answering, And who are these women dating and married to? They are berating these guys they "love" but are just too small. Then back to man on the streets, more flashing website, which the name alone ExtenZe? Really? (Pronounced like extends) Then back to the couch except now it's a Dr. Freud looking doctor saying how he has prescribed, yes prescribed (really where did you get your license?) this pill to many of his patients. Seriously? What? NEVER. GO. TO. THIS. DOCTOR!!! Then back to the man-on-the-streets interview this time they are different, but they all say the same things. "it only took a week or two..." "I got bigger"... "I have more stamina".... blah blah blah... Then the pushy girl with the microphone gets a guy to say he got bigger, then precedes to ask him how much bigger. He said "About an inch" Then he holds up his hand and with his thumb and index finger shows his inch, which is like 3 inches. Jump to a faux commercial within the infomercial of a couple sitting in their kitchen....

woman: What do you have there honey?
man: Oh, I just ordered some male enhancement pills.
woman: Oh do you mean like for your muscles? (she reaches over and touches her husband's arm... at this point I should mention that this guy is a body builder, so if he had ordered so sort of muscle enhancer, he would have turned green and started going by the name, the hulk)
man: No, I mean to make me bigger, down there.
woman: Oh (said with coy turned-on-ness)

It was like watching a train wreck! Which must explain why I watched the whole thing.

I don't know why this commercial disturbed me so much, it just did. I really don't know what's worse, the fact that it exists, or the fact that I watched the whole thing. OR maybe that I watched the whole thing AND took the time to write a frustrated post about it.

Now if I do fall asleep, I will most certainly have nightmares!

Soon and on the train

I'm going to be on the train, so of course tomorrow, I'll probably have lots to say. BUT the train sometimes makes me sad. Mostly because once a while ago I was commuting into the city every day and I witnessed just how horrible people can be and it made me sad. While I was stuck on my train, I watched this guy on crutches struggling down the steps to the platform and walk toward the train across the platform from me. Then the doors closed on him, and there was a guy in the door watching him come down the stairs- all he had to do was stick his briefcase in the door and it wouldn't have closed and this guy could have gotten on. But he didn't. He stood and watched and did nothing. So many of us do. I don't always, but I try, I really try. All he had to do was stick his briefcase in the door... I think I cried a little. I cry at sometimes at apathy.

I'm kind of strange like that though. Sometimes, especially during the holiday, the mall can bring me to tears. A million years ago, (okay maybe in 2002) I went to the mall in Camp Hill, Pennsylvania and in the food court there was this place called boardwalk fries I think. A bunch of us were at the mall christmas shopping and we went there for cheese fries. The guy there was probably in his late 40s early 50s and he had a hearing aid in each ear and he was so sweet. Just excited to be there making fries. This was enough to break my heart, because I though about what his story was. Why was he there at the mall making french fries? Was there somewhere he'd rather be, people he'd rather be with? Or had he lost everything and this was all he had? Anyway, there were teenagers laughing at him and there were people behind me were complaining because he was taking too long... I don't know, it actually made me cry. Maybe he didn't care, but it bugged the shit out of me. Why are people so awful? Human suffering... I can't take it, and I can't always "get in there" and help because I get so overwhelmed by it that I'm useless. It's a little frustrating sometimes.

Deconstruction of Kisses & Noses

So, I was just lying in bed thinking about all kinds of things, which of course I'm going to share with you. I was thinking about kissing. Kissing is so good. But really it's all about how lips fit together. And the tactile feeling of the lips. But, when you try to describe what kissing actually is, it gets difficult. Kissing is so weird when you break it down. I mean don't get me wrong, I like it... A LOT, but who thought of it? Smoosh your lips to another person's lips, maybe use tongues, like licking the inside of someone else's mouth. If you described it that way, no one would ever do it. But maybe it's one of those things you just can't put into words, for that reason. Then I thought about kissing for a while. I could kiss for hours really. Sigh, I miss kissing.

Kissing led me to noses. Now you're probably going to think I'm weird (I don't know why I would worry about that now). You know how people always notice eyes or mouths or assorted other body parts? Well, I notice noses. I think they are kinda sexy. There is something fascinating about them. They are all different sizes and shapes and they are right in the middle of your face. And think about how weird people would look without them. Perfection in a nose is relative to a face. Sometimes they look all weird like someone put the puzzle together wrong. But what makes noses sexy is how involved they really are in the kissing process. They are touching your kissing partner's face as much as lips. I don't know, I'm not describing it well, just they have a sexy role to play and that makes them important, but a well shaped nose can make me weak in the knees.

In my scheme of things, lips come next, then eyes. Lips, I can't put into words what I like or don't like, I just know a good pair when I see them. If you look at lips and all you can think about is kissing them, those are good lips.

Then the eyes. Eyes are easy. If you look into them and you get butterflies, those are good eyes. If you look into them and you can see right inside the person, those are good eyes. Color, shape, size, those are pretty irrelevant unless they look like they don't belong. You know like very obviously colored contacts or bad plastic surgery. Oh don't get me started about nose jobs. Most of the people that I know that have had them, I don't get it, their nose just looks wrong. I can spot a vanity nose job from 100 paces. There's a look to it.

Anyway, I'm going back to thinking about kisses...

Eye of the Beholder?

Today I was pondering what it would be like to be beautiful. Would life really be easier? I mean I spend a lot of time with beautiful people and it’s true. People open doors for them, buy them drinks at bars, go out of their way to talk to them… I could be the center of attention and not just because I made the best joke. At the end of a night I wouldn’t be the one alone with the pleasant smile on my face waiting for everyone to finish having fun so we can leave. (That’s actually the worst because I’ll be the one engaged in conversation all night, laughing talking and then it’s like a totally 180. I get asked about my friend and then, that’s the end of me.) People that weren’t sweet old ladies would tell me I was beautiful. Somehow you are easier to love because people are willing to overlook so many of your flaws just to be near beauty (this one amazed me, but I’ve seen it over and over- 2 people do the same thing, it’s more acceptable from the more attractive one.) I mean I don’t want to be beautiful and mean. I think I’m a good person. I think I’m funny, smart, kind, cute and I know nobody notices because I’m not beautiful. And I see all these beautiful people who play dumb (I don’t believe that they are), and they are mean, but people flock to them all the same. I just think it would be nice to try for a day or a month or a year. Oh well, you can’t change the way people think. I’m a buddy, a pal. I’ll just go on, a flower withering, starved for sunshine and water.

There's nothing wrong with cute, don't get me wrong, I like being cute. Cute just isn't beautiful. Am I being cynical? Maybe I'm being cynical. No cynical is when I said the other day that romance was a lie. I mean I believed every beautiful word, every gesture, and I just kept getting hurt. Maybe I was naïve and too trusting. I didn't think someone would lie about that, why bother? But you see, when you are the neglected flower, and someone waters you, you never stop to think it might be piss and vinegar until it’s too late, and it’s killed part of you. See? That's cynical.