Babbling Stream of Consciousness

So despite my continued exhaustion, I can't seem to fall asleep at a decent hour, i just lie there in the dark with the music on and my mind whirling until I turn on the tv or pick up the computer. Today as I turned on the tv I saw a mini infomercial. you know the ones that come on cable channels and for a second you think that just maybe you have turned the channel because you are in the middle of an infomercial, except that it's just a regular commercial break, with 1 long commercial. Well since turnabout is fair play I figured I'd complain about this mini infomercial, since it was mini- there wasn't a lot happening, but it was for a product called easy curves, which is basically an exercise bar. I don't really understand the technology but it will naturally lift and separate the female breast, oh and make them bigger. It reminded me of a book. Basically since you may not have ever been a 10 year old girl, I'll explain. There's a book called "Are You There God, It's Me Margaret?" The main character, young Margaret wants boobs and does some exercise and chants, "I mist, I must, I must increase my bust," to make them grow... it sounds like the inventor read that book and made this bar. And the commercial is just a lot of close ups of women with already large breasts moving them. I'm not sure if women will buy this, but I bet many a man will purchase it for his wife. Now why didn't they do penis close ups for the other infomercial... just curious.

Today at work I was standing next to a door and I looked at what I thought was the emergency evacuation procedure and in a way it was. It was a Zombie Evacuation. Pretty funny stuff. There's actually a whole website that is amusing. (www.eatliver.com)

Speaking of work, Julianne Nicholson was around. She apparently was an understudy a few weeks back. (In case you are not familiar, she is Chris Noth's new partner on L&O Criminal Intent) Apparently this theatre is a big deal.

I was thinking on the train today, I'd like to be in a band someday. I can't sing and I don't really play an instrument, but I'd like to play the cowbell and the tambourine and the triangle.

You know what else? I think things just sound cooler with a British accent. Everyone in the cast has an accent. (oh if you're a fan of the scream trilogy like I am, one of the actresses was in Scream 3)

On my way to work, I stepped on no less than 6 empty condom wrappers which raises the question, where did the condoms go?

Also, might I suggest the tide pen? It is the handiest purchase I've made recently and I have used it a bunch!

Yankees home opener today! Last one in the stadium. 11 days until the first ny vs. bos game... i'm just saying... Bring on the Sox Fans. Because baseball is good. It's better when we play the Sox. Even Better? Carrying on non-violent ribbing with a Sox Fan. Maybe a side bet or two...

Crash Into Me, Dave Matthews. It just came on. The video was shot in Kingston NY, about 20 minutes from where I went to college and the dancers in the video are part of a dance troupe called in forward motion and being their stage manager was one of the first jobs i ever had...

Ahh... finally... tired. I think typing clears the brain for sleep....

More Thoughts on a Train

Anyway, trains were delayed again today. Turns out yesterday someone walked in front of a train, and this morning 2 trains ran into each other. So I figured out that I actually spend longer commuting to and from this job, than I do working... But just when I was hating all things public transportation I passed a guy on the subway platform at 42nd street (oh yeah, I'm not so good at navigating the public transit system, so I took the subway from 34th to 42nd which is wrong, so I had to go from 42nd back to 34th then change subways and take another one to 23rd... Anyway, there was a guy, he was bald and he was sweating and clearly nervous and pacing a little and he had a huge beautiful bouquet of flowers and as I passed him I could hear him practicing, "...I love you so much and I would be proud.... happy?... honored?... so lucky...? if you would be my...." then I was out of earshot. It really warmed my heart. What a lucky girl, or guy he was going to meet.

Maybe I'm suffering from extreme ennui.

I got to thinking about love for the rest of my commute. Is everything I do just some sort of search for love? I mean everything, searching for the right job, the right shoes, the right tv show to watch, last night i walked through the grocery store staring at it like it was the inside of a giant refrigerator. It took 45 minutes to pick out 1 thing that i wanted to eat for dinner. Like if I pick the right thing, I'll be happy forever.

I don't know, but I stick by my original thought about love. I'm not searching anymore. I'm not going to be something I'm not. I'm not going to change to be found or to continue to be appealing. But then if it's love, I won't want to, or have to. Love will know that I'm wonderful like I am. There will be no bargaining or convincing needed. It will just happen. Love will bring out the best in me, BUT for those times when the worst comes out, it will be okay, love will accept it. It may be scary. It may not always be easy. But there will be no doubt that it's right. So maybe my new thought is less bitter. In my newly revised thought, I'm not against love, I just can't force it. I have to wait until it comes to me and then just accept it. Oh yeah, and it's not what's going to make me happy. I'm going to make me happy (don't be dirty), and the right job, shoes, dinner, boy whatever they will just amplify the happy.

That being said, I'm very excited and nervous about this whole grad school thing. I have to take a test, the GRE. What if I bomb it? I mean, I bombed the SAT's. I don't do well on standardized tests. I'd like to start in the fall of 2009. So far there is 1 school that is speaking to me. I'm just nervous that I will never be able to afford it. Oh well, I'll figure it out, I always do.

Infomercials, Gross

Yeah, it's 3:07am and I can't sleep so I turn on my tv and it's on channel 3 because the last thing I had done was watch the vcr. ANYWAY, before the picture even comes up, I hear, "I tried it and I got bigger" and now I'm sucked in to an infomercial about a "male enhancement pill" And it truly starts as a man-on-the-street interview with the over excited ex-cheerleader type girl with a microphone interviewing men who have "tried" this pill with success. And no matter how they respond she forces each guy to say the phrase, "I got bigger." Some of these guys seemed so uncomfortable answering this question, which is a mystery to me because I know for a fact that before they even bother turning a camera on you you have to be informed of what is being taped and you have to sign a release form. ANYWAY, then they flash this website, ExtenZe.com, a zillion times while they tell you an operator is standing by. Then it changes to this View-type mock talk show with 4 women on a couch who are total size queens with a guy moderator who seems like he is so uncomfortable asking these women these questions and even more uncomfortable that they are answering, And who are these women dating and married to? They are berating these guys they "love" but are just too small. Then back to man on the streets, more flashing website, which the name alone ExtenZe? Really? (Pronounced like extends) Then back to the couch except now it's a Dr. Freud looking doctor saying how he has prescribed, yes prescribed (really where did you get your license?) this pill to many of his patients. Seriously? What? NEVER. GO. TO. THIS. DOCTOR!!! Then back to the man-on-the-streets interview this time they are different, but they all say the same things. "it only took a week or two..." "I got bigger"... "I have more stamina".... blah blah blah... Then the pushy girl with the microphone gets a guy to say he got bigger, then precedes to ask him how much bigger. He said "About an inch" Then he holds up his hand and with his thumb and index finger shows his inch, which is like 3 inches. Jump to a faux commercial within the infomercial of a couple sitting in their kitchen....

woman: What do you have there honey?
man: Oh, I just ordered some male enhancement pills.
woman: Oh do you mean like for your muscles? (she reaches over and touches her husband's arm... at this point I should mention that this guy is a body builder, so if he had ordered so sort of muscle enhancer, he would have turned green and started going by the name, the hulk)
man: No, I mean to make me bigger, down there.
woman: Oh (said with coy turned-on-ness)

It was like watching a train wreck! Which must explain why I watched the whole thing.

I don't know why this commercial disturbed me so much, it just did. I really don't know what's worse, the fact that it exists, or the fact that I watched the whole thing. OR maybe that I watched the whole thing AND took the time to write a frustrated post about it.

Now if I do fall asleep, I will most certainly have nightmares!

Soon and on the train

I'm going to be on the train, so of course tomorrow, I'll probably have lots to say. BUT the train sometimes makes me sad. Mostly because once a while ago I was commuting into the city every day and I witnessed just how horrible people can be and it made me sad. While I was stuck on my train, I watched this guy on crutches struggling down the steps to the platform and walk toward the train across the platform from me. Then the doors closed on him, and there was a guy in the door watching him come down the stairs- all he had to do was stick his briefcase in the door and it wouldn't have closed and this guy could have gotten on. But he didn't. He stood and watched and did nothing. So many of us do. I don't always, but I try, I really try. All he had to do was stick his briefcase in the door... I think I cried a little. I cry at sometimes at apathy.

I'm kind of strange like that though. Sometimes, especially during the holiday, the mall can bring me to tears. A million years ago, (okay maybe in 2002) I went to the mall in Camp Hill, Pennsylvania and in the food court there was this place called boardwalk fries I think. A bunch of us were at the mall christmas shopping and we went there for cheese fries. The guy there was probably in his late 40s early 50s and he had a hearing aid in each ear and he was so sweet. Just excited to be there making fries. This was enough to break my heart, because I though about what his story was. Why was he there at the mall making french fries? Was there somewhere he'd rather be, people he'd rather be with? Or had he lost everything and this was all he had? Anyway, there were teenagers laughing at him and there were people behind me were complaining because he was taking too long... I don't know, it actually made me cry. Maybe he didn't care, but it bugged the shit out of me. Why are people so awful? Human suffering... I can't take it, and I can't always "get in there" and help because I get so overwhelmed by it that I'm useless. It's a little frustrating sometimes.

Deconstruction of Kisses & Noses

So, I was just lying in bed thinking about all kinds of things, which of course I'm going to share with you. I was thinking about kissing. Kissing is so good. But really it's all about how lips fit together. And the tactile feeling of the lips. But, when you try to describe what kissing actually is, it gets difficult. Kissing is so weird when you break it down. I mean don't get me wrong, I like it... A LOT, but who thought of it? Smoosh your lips to another person's lips, maybe use tongues, like licking the inside of someone else's mouth. If you described it that way, no one would ever do it. But maybe it's one of those things you just can't put into words, for that reason. Then I thought about kissing for a while. I could kiss for hours really. Sigh, I miss kissing.

Kissing led me to noses. Now you're probably going to think I'm weird (I don't know why I would worry about that now). You know how people always notice eyes or mouths or assorted other body parts? Well, I notice noses. I think they are kinda sexy. There is something fascinating about them. They are all different sizes and shapes and they are right in the middle of your face. And think about how weird people would look without them. Perfection in a nose is relative to a face. Sometimes they look all weird like someone put the puzzle together wrong. But what makes noses sexy is how involved they really are in the kissing process. They are touching your kissing partner's face as much as lips. I don't know, I'm not describing it well, just they have a sexy role to play and that makes them important, but a well shaped nose can make me weak in the knees.

In my scheme of things, lips come next, then eyes. Lips, I can't put into words what I like or don't like, I just know a good pair when I see them. If you look at lips and all you can think about is kissing them, those are good lips.

Then the eyes. Eyes are easy. If you look into them and you get butterflies, those are good eyes. If you look into them and you can see right inside the person, those are good eyes. Color, shape, size, those are pretty irrelevant unless they look like they don't belong. You know like very obviously colored contacts or bad plastic surgery. Oh don't get me started about nose jobs. Most of the people that I know that have had them, I don't get it, their nose just looks wrong. I can spot a vanity nose job from 100 paces. There's a look to it.

Anyway, I'm going back to thinking about kisses...

Eye of the Beholder?

Today I was pondering what it would be like to be beautiful. Would life really be easier? I mean I spend a lot of time with beautiful people and it’s true. People open doors for them, buy them drinks at bars, go out of their way to talk to them… I could be the center of attention and not just because I made the best joke. At the end of a night I wouldn’t be the one alone with the pleasant smile on my face waiting for everyone to finish having fun so we can leave. (That’s actually the worst because I’ll be the one engaged in conversation all night, laughing talking and then it’s like a totally 180. I get asked about my friend and then, that’s the end of me.) People that weren’t sweet old ladies would tell me I was beautiful. Somehow you are easier to love because people are willing to overlook so many of your flaws just to be near beauty (this one amazed me, but I’ve seen it over and over- 2 people do the same thing, it’s more acceptable from the more attractive one.) I mean I don’t want to be beautiful and mean. I think I’m a good person. I think I’m funny, smart, kind, cute and I know nobody notices because I’m not beautiful. And I see all these beautiful people who play dumb (I don’t believe that they are), and they are mean, but people flock to them all the same. I just think it would be nice to try for a day or a month or a year. Oh well, you can’t change the way people think. I’m a buddy, a pal. I’ll just go on, a flower withering, starved for sunshine and water.

There's nothing wrong with cute, don't get me wrong, I like being cute. Cute just isn't beautiful. Am I being cynical? Maybe I'm being cynical. No cynical is when I said the other day that romance was a lie. I mean I believed every beautiful word, every gesture, and I just kept getting hurt. Maybe I was naïve and too trusting. I didn't think someone would lie about that, why bother? But you see, when you are the neglected flower, and someone waters you, you never stop to think it might be piss and vinegar until it’s too late, and it’s killed part of you. See? That's cynical.