I’m stuck out here in the middle of nowhere. Just to give you an idea, my first 2 days I didn’t see another living sole on the property. On my second day, my car got stuck in the mud and I had to call AAA to pull me out, which was an adventure. No one could figure out where I was and I got transferred 4 times before they got the correct office. I don’t have internet yet, despite the fact that I have been calling for a week, because Comcast can’t find me. I finally got through and the next available appointment is 2 weeks away. It’s freezing here (seriously, today was 42 degrees) and so people are hiding out in their apartments, but I don’t have roommates, so I am pretty effectively cut off from human contact. The only thing I have is my cell phone (when it works) and the people I already know.
This just got me to thinking, what happens to people? I mean you know when you talk to someone everyday and then suddenly a day passes, then it's two, then 5. It's inexplicable what happens? Why did contact stop? It would make sense if there had been a fight, but when nothing happens it's weird. I'm left wondering what happened. Did I unintentionally offend? Did the other person get trapped under a large object? Why was that call not returned? Why was that reply email not sent? Why didn't anyone return that text message? It's all so arbitrary and trivial, but when there's nothing else to do but think, you wonder about these things. Then you have to decide, do you reach out again? Or do you just let things go? And if you let them go, what does that say? Does that send the message that you don't give a shit, or does it ;et the other person know that you are okay giving people the space they need?
The person that held my heart underwater for the last few years accused me of analyzing things too much. He said a lot of horrible things, did a lot of horrible things. He made me feel bad about things, but I couldn't let him go without an ending. I didn't want things to just fade away, I needed them to end. Messy or clean, it didn't matter as long as they were definite. I could have been rid of him, a long time ago if I had just let him fade out. Instead he kept me repressed and made me feel cheap.
I think about things, when my mind wanders I analyze things, situations, people. I think psychology is fascinating. I think thinking is sexy. Brilliant minds that ask questions are sexy. Questioning the shit that people shove at you and want you to accept. It doesn't necessarily matter whether I agree with your opinion or not, just have an opinion. have something to say. It's like baseball. You see, I have an opinion which is I like the Yankees, what can I say, I am a New Yorker! BUT, it just so happens that I have A LOT of friends that are hardcore Sox fans. It's really a sickness, this baseball obsession and my constant draw to Red Sox fans. Now am I a Sox fan? Well, I think that it's an impossibility, I already drank the Yankee kool-aid. (okay, not like that crazy Yankees fan that hit a Sox fan with her car last month. I'm a fan, not insane.) However, I love a Sox fan, because up until a few years ago, they were loyal, to a team that wasn't winning, and win or lose, a Sox fan is a Sox fan. Plus, there is pretty much nothing better in my opinion than watching a Yankees verses Sox game with both fans. The energy is amazing! The tension. The sometimes uncomfortable silences following an inning... I have watched one on one with a Sox fan and I swear a good game is like good sex. The win, is just the cherry on top. Watching with other Yankees fans is like masturbation. Sex and baseball are always linked!
Sorry, I got distracted. So back to the original question, where do people go when they stop being in your life? Why do they leave? Why did they leave an not say anything? Do they miss you? Do they think about you? If you give them space, will they come back? Does it matter? If you get too caught up in thinking about it, it's like you got stuck in the mud.
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