Stuck in the Mud and a Little Baseball Metaphor

I’m stuck out here in the middle of nowhere. Just to give you an idea, my first 2 days I didn’t see another living sole on the property. On my second day, my car got stuck in the mud and I had to call AAA to pull me out, which was an adventure. No one could figure out where I was and I got transferred 4 times before they got the correct office. I don’t have internet yet, despite the fact that I have been calling for a week, because Comcast can’t find me. I finally got through and the next available appointment is 2 weeks away. It’s freezing here (seriously, today was 42 degrees) and so people are hiding out in their apartments, but I don’t have roommates, so I am pretty effectively cut off from human contact. The only thing I have is my cell phone (when it works) and the people I already know.

This just got me to thinking, what happens to people? I mean you know when you talk to someone everyday and then suddenly a day passes, then it's two, then 5. It's inexplicable what happens? Why did contact stop? It would make sense if there had been a fight, but when nothing happens it's weird. I'm left wondering what happened. Did I unintentionally offend? Did the other person get trapped under a large object? Why was that call not returned? Why was that reply email not sent? Why didn't anyone return that text message? It's all so arbitrary and trivial, but when there's nothing else to do but think, you wonder about these things. Then you have to decide, do you reach out again? Or do you just let things go? And if you let them go, what does that say? Does that send the message that you don't give a shit, or does it ;et the other person know that you are okay giving people the space they need?

The person that held my heart underwater for the last few years accused me of analyzing things too much. He said a lot of horrible things, did a lot of horrible things. He made me feel bad about things, but I couldn't let him go without an ending. I didn't want things to just fade away, I needed them to end. Messy or clean, it didn't matter as long as they were definite. I could have been rid of him, a long time ago if I had just let him fade out. Instead he kept me repressed and made me feel cheap.

I think about things, when my mind wanders I analyze things, situations, people. I think psychology is fascinating. I think thinking is sexy. Brilliant minds that ask questions are sexy. Questioning the shit that people shove at you and want you to accept. It doesn't necessarily matter whether I agree with your opinion or not, just have an opinion. have something to say. It's like baseball. You see, I have an opinion which is I like the Yankees, what can I say, I am a New Yorker! BUT, it just so happens that I have A LOT of friends that are hardcore Sox fans. It's really a sickness, this baseball obsession and my constant draw to Red Sox fans. Now am I a Sox fan? Well, I think that it's an impossibility, I already drank the Yankee kool-aid. (okay, not like that crazy Yankees fan that hit a Sox fan with her car last month. I'm a fan, not insane.) However, I love a Sox fan, because up until a few years ago, they were loyal, to a team that wasn't winning, and win or lose, a Sox fan is a Sox fan. Plus, there is pretty much nothing better in my opinion than watching a Yankees verses Sox game with both fans. The energy is amazing! The tension. The sometimes uncomfortable silences following an inning... I have watched one on one with a Sox fan and I swear a good game is like good sex. The win, is just the cherry on top. Watching with other Yankees fans is like masturbation. Sex and baseball are always linked!

Sorry, I got distracted. So back to the original question, where do people go when they stop being in your life? Why do they leave? Why did they leave an not say anything? Do they miss you? Do they think about you? If you give them space, will they come back? Does it matter? If you get too caught up in thinking about it, it's like you got stuck in the mud.

How you like me now?

So I have been trying, which if you have been reading this you know, to transfer my blog here. I decided that I was no longer keeping my .mac account just to post a blog, which was all I was using it for. So now, I have found this nice new, free home at blogger.com. I have moved everything from this year. I have moved some things from the previous years in order of interest. I'll keep at it. When I'm all moved in, I'll let everyone know. (Of course if you know me, you know how little I like to pack and unpack, so this could take forever...) Oh and don't bother trying to get to the old site, it's gone. My account has been closed, address and website cancelled.

So how you like me now?

Put a face on it

So I would really like to put a picture on my Tony & Sam Blog, but I can't find my pictures of them. I've torn apart my house! And I could use one that is on line of him, but he's not smiling in any of them. And the Tony I remember smiled a lot. the search continues.

Anyway, while I was looking for a picture, I found this page. All the lives lost in April. Start putting some faces on this war:

http://www.zeitlangers.com/monthly_html_pages/fallen_Apr_2008.html

Cupid Kills Me

Okay, So for those of you that know him, I am not talking about Cupid from college. He doesn't kill me. He's okay and happily painting and showing said paintings in art galleries in Brooklyn.

That being said, I have finally done it. I joined an online dating site, okay, I joined them all. Then I after 2 days, I deleted all of the profiles except 2. Why? Well, I deleted any site that wanted me to pay to meet people because somehow in my mind that seems odd. A little like buying a hooker in a roundabout way. I mean think about it, if you meet someone awesome and eventually have sex, then you've paid the pimp called match.com. So those were the first to go. Then there were 2 free ones that I deleted because after being a member for 2 days I received a combined total of 55 messages, all from gentlemen over 50. I checked, there were young guys on the site, they just weren't as persistent as the over 50 set. And you know, I'm not an ageist. But I feel like 20 years older than me is a bit much, especially since I'm eternally 25. These guys have kids that are around my age. I just couldn't deal. And they were very determined. They sent multiple messages, which I find creepy, considering I didn't respond to the first one. Here's a tip, if you should stumble upon me on a dating site, and I don't respond to your first message, or your second, then you send me a third, then you are officially a creepy stalker.

Now, here's my next complaint. Based on my answers to random questions, these sites claim to be able to find me "my perfect match." Does anyone else think this is weird and creepy? I mean, it seems that they are matching me with someone just like me, and what's the fun in that? Plus, how do they know that because I say my favorite color is purple, that me and Tom from Hicksville are soul mates? What? The questions are so black and white and that's not how this girl works. I became who I am based on a social spectrum of colors. My point is that I have to read the whole profile to decide anything. And that's still not much. I am definitely more than the 3000 words or whatever I posted there. Plus, I think that saying you can find my best match available, within the arbitrary parameters I set, it's weird. Its like engineering babies so they are genetically superior.

I'll keep you posted about my exploration of these sites.

MOVING...

So I have made the official decision to move. Find me at:
http://ramblingtongue.blogspot.com/

My decision is purely financial and I will begin transferring this years stuff first and previous years as I get to it. This could take a while... I hate moving....

So if you are reading this at .mac, this is my last post. If you are reading this on blogspot, welcome to my new home.

Hit Me With Your Best Shot

Some days, you are just ready for a fight. There's no reason, I'm not a violent person, but today I felt like I needed to be on guard because there was a fight coming and I was going to need to defend myself. Then I got to thinking, what could I really do in a fight? Seriously. The only fist fights I've ever been in were staged. Well, except for that one time...

Funny story, I was in college, I was taking a media class and for our final, we, as a class, had to produce a show. There was a girl that was put in charge, by vote, named Kara. I got the exact job I wanted, which was the the second or third in command. She was sick the day that we had to chose our jobs, but as the person in charge she technically got final say. Anyway, by natural selection, I'm pretty awesome and technical things. That being said, not everyone has technical skills. At least they don't pick things up as quickly or they don't learn as fast. But, in the end, my general opinion was this was a class, meant for learning. So when Kara came in and started changing people around, it bugged me a little. Then I looked at the disappointed faces of the people that she had switched. A guy that was maybe a little slower but a good guy and was trying to learn how to run and track a camera. And a guy that had been running the camera all semester and wanted to try something new, that he wasn't good at. Her argument was that she was the director, and the quality of the show and the grades of the class rested on her shoulders. I told her to stop being dramatic. It was a class and people are never going to learn if you push them down and just like everyone had faith in her, she needed to have faith in everyone else. She told me to shut up and mind my place. It was at that moment, something inside me snapped.

I started to yell at her. I don't even know what I was yelling, I was yelling at her with blind fury. Looking back, I wasn't even fighting for me, I was fighting for the two guys. Well she turned her back on me while I was talking to her. I yelled at her to look at me and when she turned around she looked so smug and she said something stupid and that was it. I lunged at her and it took 4 huge guys to hold me back. No one was holding her and she started taunting me and I took out one of the guys and finally someone grabbed her, took her outside and said that if she didn't shut up, I was going to kill her.

I don't even remember what happened. I mean how everything turned out. But I know that a few weeks later I went into Tower Records where she worked an apologized, not because I had to, because I wanted to. And she apologized for being an asshole. And the slower kid, who was very quiet caught me after class and thanked me for standing up for him. I would go on to spend much of my college career speaking up for the silent, but that's another story.

So, I don't think I'll be fighting like that, but I was ready, ready for a fight.

Darkness, Rage Against The Machine

If you haven't read the post Sam and Tony, you won't completely understand why I chose to post the lyrics to this song, but if you have, take a read.

Greed
Causing innocent blood to flow
Entire culture lost in the overthrow
They came to see, take whatever they please
Then all they gave back was death and disease

People were left with no choice but to decide
To conform to a system responsible for genocide
Responsible for genocide, Responsible for genocide

AIDS is killing the entire African nation
And a vaccine is still supposedly under preparation
But these governments, they don't mind the procrastination.
They say we'll kill them off, take their land and go there for vacation

My peoples' culture was strong and was pure
And if not for that white greed, it would have endured
My people were left with no choice but to decide
To conform to a system

Their minds enslaved
Their souls encaged
You feel the rage
This brutality can never be undone
But the sun has not yet set
The bass and drums and microphone a threat
That's when you've got to get the cry from the inside
And see that they're responsible for genocide
Responsible for genocide, Responsible for genocide

You jam your culture down my throat
Say I'm inferior when upon it I choke
You fill my mind with a false sense of history
And then you wonder why I have no identity

We'll strike a match and it'll catch
And spread the insight we need
A tiny fire burning bright
Shedding light on the darkness of greed

Yes, yes y'all, and you don't stop
Shedding light on the darkness of greed
Yes, yes y'all, and you don't stop
Shedding light on the darkness of greed