So, I there was this girl I was really good friends with when I worked at blockbuster. Her name is Sam. She is a most interesting person, a little crazy but totally interesting. By 16 she had already completed rehab. By the time I met her her only vice was smoking. She was afraid to drive so she walked EVERYWHERE, and she always chain smoked while she walked because she thought it gave her a workout. She only ate frozen yogurt and whoppers with no meat and occasionally french fries. And I really got to know her because I was promoted to assistant store manager and when we closed the store together, I always had to drive her home. I know I'm bad sometimes, but when it comes to being late, she's worse. And sleeping over in her dorm room was my first taste of college life.
While we were working together at blockbuster this kid came in. Our blockbuster was by a military base and his family had just moved in. He was the 17 and the oldest of 12 kids I think. Tony had a heart of gold. He had been home schooled and was going to the community college as a beginning to his college career. He walked everywhere because his family only had the minivan and for obvious reasons his mother needed it at her constant disposal. Our store was all young people. The store manager was 25 and he was the oldest employee except for a few military moms that worked part time.
Anyway, Tony hung around so much that our store manager gave him a job. He was excited. He had moved around all his life and we just made him part of the gang. I mean he was young, but not that much younger than us. It was mostly his socialization that was young, having never attended a school. We loved Tony. I loved Tony. He was like my little brother, although we were only a few months apart and he was taller than me... whenever we worked together I would drive him home as well, and he always had a lot of questions, especially about Sam.
Tony and Sam became fast friends, and after about 2 weeks it was very clear that he had a big crush on her. She was skeptical. I know because I became a sounding board for the story as it unfolded. She was concerned about the age difference, (she was 3 or 4 years older than him) and he seemed so sweet and innocent and she was not. Anyway, after A-LOT of discussion I told her that she should give him a chance. I mean, he had officially stated that he had romantic feelings for her, and the fact that she was afraid of losing him, meant that she had some kind of feelings for him, at least that was how I saw it. And after all they weren't going to get married the next day, it was a chance. One date, and if that worked, another day. And the fact was their time was limited either way. If she rejected him, she was eventually going to lose him. Plus, he was a military brat and would most likely have to move soon.
Well, because at the time, I was the logical one, she listened and they went on a date, then another, then another and then about 2 months later she came back with the next stress out, that he was seeming to want to take the next step and from there there would be no turning back. But in the end, they had sex, she was his first. And they were inseparable.
It was late August when he finally told us all that his father had received his next assignment and that the whole family was moving to Turkey. He had known for a while, but didn't want to tell us. So then this is where things start to spin out of control. He is torn between his family and love. In the end he decided he wanted to stay behind, continue work and school and he was going to live with Sam's mother fro the remainder of the summer. Then in the fall, move into Sam's dorm room.
At this point I should mention that Tony was ridiculously jealous of Joey. (Joey was Sam's ex-boyfriend and a really close friend. They had met in rehab. Tony didn't want Sam to hang out with him at all.) He seemed to be jealous of the closeness they shared, which he would never have- I mean they had gone through rehab together. It was unfounded, Sam had completely fallen in love with Tony. The night before his family was leaving, Sam lied to Tony and went to Joey's birthday because they were friends, and besides Sam and his sister, Joey's didn't have anyone. His best friend had died of a drug overdose a few months before, and he told Sam he'd kill himself if she didn't come-- I know, back then my friends were like watching an episode of 90120 or Dawson's Creek or One Tree Hill (pick your basic teen soap about kids leading advanced lives)-- Anyway, Tony called Sam's house and her sister purposely told Tony where she was. (He sister is a whole other story. She was a 14 year old Femme Fatale in determined to take away anything that made her sister happy) After that he wouldn't return her calls. He was supposed to move in the next day. She couldn't find him. She had Joey driving her all over Long Island looking for him. By midnight she was exhausted and just went home to wait. At 8am he called her. He said he was at the airport with his family and that he couldn't stay to be with her because she didn't love him and he didn't love her either. And he hung up and got on a the plane.
SHE. WAS. DEVASTATED. She gave him her heart and he broke it. She went a little crazy. She wasn't eating she wasn't sleeping and she was chain smoking. I spent a lot of time with her, listening, handing her tissues, smoking till we couldn't breathe, trying to force her to eat. Then she thought she might be pregnant and she would not take a pregnancy test. I told her that she needed to know because she had to quit smoking and start eating. She spent $800+ on phone calls to Turkey trying to track him down. Which she eventually did, but first getting a neighbor then finally him.. I do have to give her credit, I would have no idea how to find someone in this country no less another country, and this was pre-internet.
She didn't want to take the test because if she wasn't pregnant, she didn't have any part of him left. Finally when the thought that she might be pregnant wasn't enough to make him call want to talk to her, she took the test. I remember the day. My parents still worked, so we went to CVS and bought a box of tests and came back to my house and took them. Then when all 3 of them had come back negative we put all of the evidence in a plastic bag and threw it away outside of a taco bell that she finally agreed to eat at.
Nothing much happens after this. She cried a lot and he eventually told her he'd met someone else. Within a year he was married with a kid. She went on to date one of my best friends whom she met independently of me. When they realized they both knew me they surprised me at school (By now I was away at college) That didn't last long. then she started dating this total asshole loser named Erik. He had some serious health problems and minor deformity and he felt like he was justified in behaving however he wanted because he had been dealt a bad hand in life. He did get manage to get her pregnant.
One of the last times I saw her she was about 7 months pregnant and Erik would speak to her and she was saying how if only it had been Tony's maybe everything would be different. We had found out that his wedding was of the shotgun variety, but I would have expected nothing less. If he had gotten Sam pregnant, he would have been on the first plane back and to marry her. But, I also don't doubt his feelings for his wife. He seemed to put his whole heart into everything. Without caution he felt everything so his pain was greater and so was his love.
He would still call Sam every six months or so. Just when she was ready to close the book on him, he would call to say hi, and she would be reminded how wonderful he was. She would encourage him, to stay with his wife when he doubted his decisions. She would assure him that things had turned out like they were supposed to.
Anyway, the last time I saw her, she said she was glad I was there, because if not she would almost have felt like she had made him up. She said that she hoped someday that she would get to sit down with him and find out what the heck happened. His wife was apparently very jealous of Sam. Which in Sam's mind meant that she still had a piece of his heart. Actually I think it's true. They were a big love. They compared themselves to the 2 characters in The Crow- they loved that movie-- Erick and I can't remember the girl. When 2 people have that kind of relationship the fire burns quick and hot and then smolders forever. I was sure and I think Sam believed it too, that someday, after they had lived their lives, they would come back together and finish their story.
Tony and Sam.
Well, Sam found me this morning on myspace. You have got to love these internet friend sites. She is married, she has 3 daughters and another on the way. She lives in PA, 2 hours outside of NY and still comes in for all her oldest daughters appointments. It seems the girl took after her father and has had a lot of very serious health problems and Sam is just more comfortable continuing with the same doctors. She has quit smoking, learned to drive and now eats everything. And she is also able to have a glass of wine or a strawberry daiquiri and not want to do a line of coke after. In other words, she's doing well.
Of course though, Tony still was the great lost love of her life. He now has 5 children ranging in age from 1 to 11. He joined the Air Force and has won a bronze star for his years of service. Tech. Sgt. Anthony L. Capra. On April 9th he was killed six miles west of Balad Air Base. He had diffused a road side bomb and then a second trigger went off. He died of the injuries sustained from the explosion. He was awarded a 2nd bronze star posthumously. Sam sought me out to tell me, of which I'm glad.
Now,I'm not gonna lie. I haven't thought about them in years. Sometimes I would wonder what became of Sam. And then at the beginning of the month, I thought I saw Sam. I was in the Jamba Juice right outside of the 23rd street subway. I looked across the street at the bank and I swear, I saw Sam walking. But I knew, it couldn't be. Because I was looking at Sam from years before, and surely she looked different now. I followed the ghost for 2 blocks and finally had to turn back and go to work. This made me start thinking about Sam and Tony and just wondering where they were and what became of them. But as I said, I have no idea how to find people....
Anyway, I hadn't thought about Tony in a while prior to april 5th (the day I thought I saw Sam walking down the street) I hadn't seem him or been in contact with him since the last day he worked at blockbuster. It was just nice knowing he was out there someone living life, and now he's not and I'm not sure how I feel about that. You know? Like I feel like I don't really have any right to be sad because it had been 11 years. But I feel sad. I feel sad for his 11 siblings. For his mom and dad. For the wife and children he left behind that I never met and now will probably never meet. I feel sad that he had to die at all. I read like 10 articles today about him. I saw his face for the first time in ages.
I mourn not just for him, but for all the people. He was 1 of 4044 americans killed. 1 of 4352 people from the coalition killed as of 4/22. That would be equivalent to 1 person a day for the last 11 years and 9 months. It's too many. I think I've said it before, sometimes the enormity of the world overwhelms me, the plight of humans, their loneliness, fear, strength bravery and love are too much for me to handle and I find myself crying in a mall over the guy making french fries.
But those are just the lives of the people"on our side." What about the woman and children killed? Wait I forgot, the enemy has no feelings and no family, so we shouldn't care about them. What a waste of human life? Really? And eye for an eye? Is that what we are going for?
I mourn because every one of those people has a story. A person or 2 or 10 or 20 that loved them, cared for them and will miss them. Lives left empty. And I have to know, what are we fighting for?
Then through my mourning, I got angry. Angry that 4044 people are dead. Look at that number! And they are faceless. I look around and people have those yellow stickers on their cars. The stickers are faded and peeling. It's now status quo. Not that people don't care but they just sit by and shake their head at the TV. I'm guilty of it. Of the apathy. It's troubling.
Anyway, I attached the 2 articles that summed up Tony the best. Just so that all my thoughts and the articles were all together.
http://www.legacy.com/SunSentinel/Obituaries.asp?Page=LifeStory&PersonId=107726979
http://www.airforcetimes.com/news/2008/04/airforce_capra_iraq_death_042808/
Today's song, listen to it. Darkness by Rage Against the Machine I have chosen this song for 2 reasons. When I knew Tony he loved the Crow Soundtrack. He used to listen to it on his discman and liked to see Brandon Lee's head spinning past the window. I remember he came to hang out with me at the radio station that I worked at in college and he was so excited and we played the crow he dedicated it to Sam. Now I dedicate it to him. The second reason? The lyrics are fitting. I'll find those and post them.
Tonight I will blow the dust off of my Crow soundtrack and say goodbye to Tony the best way I know how.
